Our time of having animal companions is drawing closer to an end.

It didn’t matter that she was 17, almost 18. Or that she was deaf and blind. Or that she had dementia. Or that she had cancer.

I wanted several more years with her. I also did not want her to be in any pain or discomfort.

Last week, Agnes passed away, after my husband and I decided that this was the point of no return, that we did not want her to have to go through another seizure and the consequences of that.

If you know, you know. It’s an awful decision. It rips you apart. Holding your precious loved one while thanking them for everything, well, it destroys you. At least for a while.

You want more time.

I work from home, which seems worse after her loss. I think I hear her, then I remember. I want to hear her.

Aside from the grief and the gratitude of having had her in our lives, the thought of a future without companion animals keeps coming to me.

Several months ago, we began talking about a life without companion animals, that when our current dogs were no longer with us, we would no longer adopt. Instead, we would foster for local shelters. This would be a huge change for us, who typically have three or four dogs as part of our family.

There are a couple of reasons we began talking about this. First, we want to travel a little more. The cost of having someone come and stay with the dogs while we are gone makes the trip that much more expensive. With Agens, we could no longer travel with the dogs, as she would freak out when in a location she did not know. At home, she knew everything and was peaceful. Anywhere else, no thank you.

There is also the unfortunate reality of cost. We would never balk at veterinary costs for our dogs, and these days we both joke that a $300 vet bill meant we were lucky that time. Yet, looking at retirement, having dogs, especially the kinds we adopt (older, typically with health issues), could mean expenses that would have deeper effects on us.

A good example is with Nadia, our nine-year-old terrier mix. She has megaesophagus. She has to eat in a chair, then stay there for an hour and fifteen minutes to ensure the food gets to her stomach. The biggest threat to her life is aspiration pneumonia. We have a supply of antibiotics just in case it starts at a time when we can’t get her to a vet, but if it becomes bad quickly, a visit to the emergency vet to get her the care she needs to survive the episode averages $1,100. That is not easy now, let alone when we have more limited incomes.

A life without dogs as part of our family doesn’t seem like much of a life. That’s where the foster dogs come in. Back when we lived in Colorado, in addition to our dog family members, we almost always had at least one foster dog in our home. We have fostered dozens of dogs over the years, and loved having them. With so many wonderful experiences, this is why we think fostering will be what we do in the future.

Meanwhile, we have yet to pick up Agnes’s ashes, another moment of grief to come. I still have moments when I am working at my desk and I hear something, with a quick thought that Agnes is coming to visit.

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Go vegan. Vote. Be kind.