Felix has been physically gone for 33 years now, an amount of time that is almost impossible for me to believe. He’s been gone longer than he lived. And through all of those years, there is rarely a day that I do not think about him.

Once in a while, my thoughts are sad, but the majority of the time, they are around gratitude for having had him in my life.

He was one of my closest friends.

On July 6, 1992, Felix lost his battle with HIV/AIDS.

He was one of 43,000+ who died in the U.S. that year from HIV/AIDS.

His loss affects me deeper than any loss I have had since.

Felix taught me how to love and how to accept who I was.

We met at an AA meeting in Norfolk, Virginia, in 1988. Before we met, we served on the same ship in the Navy, but we never met there.

That was the USS Eisenhower.

His friendship meant the world to me, and as I got sober and learned how to love other human beings and how to be a friend, I’m so glad he was around. He added so much to my life.

If you have ever received a hug from me, those hugs were taught to me by him. Giving someone I care about a strong hug is something I do frequently, a habit I was taught by him. No wimpy hugs.

I could go on and on.

I loved him, I still do, and although he has been physically gone all these years, he has been alive in my thoughts, conversations, and memories.

I still miss him. I remember when I lived with him and his partner, Tim. I dreamt of the days when my future partner and I would be neighbors of theirs.

Family gatherings.

Sunday dinners.

All of that amazing, life-long friend stuff.

Tim lost his battle the year before Felix lost his. Felix and I drove to Wooster, Ohio, for Tim’s memorial service with his family. We held one in Norfolk for friends and chosen family. That road trip was amazing. I experienced every possible emotion.

Sometimes I get that feeling I used to have often, what many call survivor’s guilt. Felix, Tim, and so many others I loved died way too young and had so much more to give to this world. I stayed. When not feeling guilty, I would put huge expectations on myself to make sure my staying was worth it, while doing all I could to take actions that would make the world a better place, the way Felix and others would do if still here.

This story is more about a relationship between two men. A fabulous relationship. One that forever changed me. It showed me how wonderful true friendships can be, and that they are worth everything.

The relationship with Felix taught me how to be a friend, then a better friend. I don’t always succeed, and am always trying to be the best friend I can to those in my inner circle.

I’m forever grateful for Felix.